WARNING: Massive gloom, doom, and depression ahead. The author will not be held responsible for spreading her bad mood, nor is she responsible for the fools who think she is edging towards suicidal when she's just dealing with a particularly bitchy bout of PMS.

March 30, 2000

Neurosis - Noun - a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias)

::sighs:: Ever have one of those days when every one single stupid little mistake you've made over the past few months just attacks you all at once, and you feel like the only purpose in your life is to make a complete ass of yourself?

At least I can blame hormones for this round of the pity party. Thank goodness for that, because it means I can be a touch less neurotic than I already am.

And I am really having a neurotic day. As in anxiety neurosis. My ego has never been particularly outstanding, but today it's really not healthy. I look at everything around me and try to second-guess it. Self-esteem has gone down the toilet while I look at my life and try to figure if I'm doing ok or am just pathetic.

And I still can't straighten myself out. I look around, trying for some sort of self-evaluation, and it all comes out so totally fucked up. The people that hang around the room... do they actually see me as a friend, or am I just "that other roommate," tolerated because I room with social people and hang out with them? My classes... am I withdrawing because I'm shy and don't want to make more of a fool of myself, or is it because I'm braindead and can't contribute anything? CAN I actually contribute anything, or am I just the annoying hanger on? Or not even the annoying lurker, am I just there? Fulfilling the position of "oh yeah... her... she hangs around sometimes." Not of benefit or hindrance, just there and unnoticed unless some clueless person decides to inquire on the purpose... and there is no purpose.

I'm not sure which is worse: to be disliked, or simply tolerated.

Damn hormones. Just send me past menopause and leave me there. The last bit is something I wrote up a while ago. ::shrugs:: Still covers things pretty decently right now. Pardon me, I think me and a stuffed animal are due for a little mope in the corner now.

It hurts.

Our stares
Our whispers
Our emotions battering away at your soul.

Run away, hide away, make the pain stop.

Little fool
Little idiot
Tell me again why we tolerate a dork such as you?

Run away hide away make the pain stop!

Too stupid
Too crazy
Too different.

Runaway hideaway make the pain stop!

The ugly one
The bizarre one
The girl who doesn't fit anywhere.


That's right
Keep away from us
Close yourself off so we can ignore you.


Hide the fear
Hide the hurt
We know we put it there anyway.


Pretend you don't agonize on our account
Pretend you don't care what we think
We know how much we hurt you.


That's right; smile
That's right; fake a laugh
We enjoy how you fight to hide the tears.


So push us away
So hide in yourself
Retreat into your corner; we don't care.

Keep me close.
Find me.

Make the pain stop.

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